My father’s health had been in decline for some time. But he is as tough as nails and it appeared that he wasn’t giving up without a fight. Regardless, I knew I needed to go at some point. I wanted to help out and I also wanted to spend time with him before he passed, though it was far from clear how the whole situation might evolve. The question when booking the ticket was when to go and for how long. I had some rather important work obligations to work around ideally, but I wasn’t sure what would be possible.
At first I settled on the idea of a trip the latter half of November and I proceeded with the booking. This would allow for me to participate in some work things that were happening in the weeks prior. But it was that call with my sister that prompted the more urgent departure. She expressed to me both the changes that were happening with his care as well as her mental and physical fatigue in supporting him. The siblings had the burden of supporting both my dad in Kimberly and my mother in Boise, roughly two hours apart. Though it’s a blessing that there are five of us to take on the administrative and logistical responsibilities, it’s a heavy lift with all the other things that everyone has going on. Moreover, my dad hasn’t been the easiest person in the world to support and he has the ability to sap the motivation from anyone who is making sacrifices to do so.
* * *
After returning to Nairobi from Diani, I had just over 24 hours before begrudgingly making my way back to the airport to travel to the US. My journey began with a sad farewell to my family. I knew I was going to be away for a long time. After spending so much time in Somalia of late, I didn’t like the idea of leaving yet again. But I was confident that it was the right thing to do.
It was the early weeks of the longest-ever US government shutdown, and I wasn’t sure how that might impact my ability to get to Idaho. It did likely contribute to the massive delay in getting my passport renewed in the weeks prior, and I knew I needed to be prepared for travel drama.
In the end, my travels ended up being remarkably smooth. It usually takes around 30 hours to make the entire journey and this time, with rather efficient layovers, I made it in about 24.
* * *
It was good to be back in Boise. I’m not normally in Idaho this time of year and the autumn colors were in full display. It’s strange to travel to the US without my wife and children, and sad to be away from them, but it did provide me a considerable amount of flexibility as to how I used my time. This was not intended to be (and wasn’t) a pleasure trip. Though I did have some very enjoyable moments, there were some very important tasks to be done and some of them not very pleasant. Given that there was no need to balance the needs/desires of the family, it freed me up to focus on the job at hand.
* * *
After less than two days with family in Boise, my brother and I would travel down to be with my dad. I wasn’t sure how long I would be there. There was a gap in coverage for the now 24-hour presence needed and the timing of my arrival worked out well to close that gap. As I said, after watching the situation evolve from East Africa, it was good to be on the ground and contribute.
Given that my parents are no longer able to drive, it was a big help to have their vehicle to use while I was there. We generally spend hundreds of dollars on car rentals when we are in the US, so this made a big difference to what was already a rather costly adventure.
Once I arrived, I quickly absorbed myself into the caregiver responsibilities. It was clear that I had a lot to learn. Though there were home care staff who came twice a day for about an hour or so, and a hospice nurse who came late morning, the rest of the time the support for my dad came from me. I will refrain from going into the details of all that that support entails, both to preserve my father’s dignity and my own, but suffice to say that it was new territory for me. I will say that changing babies’ nappies is not bad preparation for elderly care. But bed sores and the smell of rotting flesh is on another level.
* * *
Along with dad care, there was the task of general house care and maintenance. Home care staff supported with some cleaning, doing dishes, etc. But there were tons of other tasks that needed to be done that were outside their remit. We needed to go through the household belongings and begin deciding what we were going to do with them. A job that I gravitated to early on was to begin organizing all of the media that had accumulated over the years. In addition to our own family photos, videos, slides, scrapbooks, etc., my parents had inherited the same from my grandparents. The goal was to organize all the material as best I could and place all of it into bins that were labeled accordingly. This would help for transport, storage and preservation.
One objective is to digitize as much as possible, organize and make the material available to the wider family. I’m not sure if other families are grappling with this sort of thing but it’s a massive task. Some in the family will definitely be interested in the material once it’s made available. Others will likely be indifferent to our family history and take no interest in an archive. Either way, I feel that it is the right thing to do.
* * *
All the while I was taking on this support role, I needed to maintain my full-time job in Somalia. This involved waking up around 3:00am (a couple of times 1:00am) and at least overlapping with half the workday. It wasn’t pleasant to start my day that early, but it worked out. I had done it before a few years earlier when I was in the US for surgery on my arm. It was a similar rhythm this time, only this time I was there for a different sort of pain.
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